Religiosity and strict boundaries concerning friendship.

Yesterday, I posted, on social media, about how I am reluctant to share with a friend of nearly five decades that I no longer identify as an evangelical Christian and have embraced Quakerism.

The comments I received, in response to this, were mostly along the lines of ... if it were a true friendship, it wouldn't matter. On the surface, I agree with that statement, but it's a simplistic response, in my view. So, I wanted to delve more into this in a forum where I wasn't limited to a few sentences, and decided to address it here. I think I can illustrate this best in a life experience I had several years ago.

A mother and her daughter and I worked in the same place. I liked them both, immediately, and as the years went by, we shared more of our personal lives, as one does when you get to know and trust one another. These women were also very nice to my life partner, and sought him out quite often when he came to pick me up from work, or joined me there on my lunch break. He even did a few simple car repairs for the daughter, occasionally.

Over the years, I would suggest they come to my place for dinner. They were very nice about it, but always refused our invitation. Over time, it started to bother me because they were both so friendly and sought me out at work, and were so nice to my partner. He too thought it was strange. We both wondered if we had inadvertently done or said something offensive, or if they were just afraid to eat my cooking--now that I could understand, especially as I dislike cooking. But in all these years, I don't think anyone has ever been poisoned by it.

Finally, I decided to ask the mother about this directly. I knew they belonged to a religion different from my own, but that we believe in the same God, so it never occurred to me that religion might play a role or even be the cause. The mother told me their religion didn't allow them to socialize with anyone outside of their church or belief system, and that they couldn't have any friends outside of their church or faith either. At least I understood that, and was relieved to know the reason, though it saddened me greatly.

I began to understand that friendship was not only based on like and respect for one another and other commonalities, but that religious affiliation could also close the door to close friendship. I think people often develop close relationships within their church community, especially if they find acceptance there. I also think that if a church embraces certain ideas, whether they be doctrinal, political or social, the more one depends on that acceptance, the less likely they are to want to do anything to disappoint others in that church body, and many will close the door on relationships outside of the church because of a fear of no longer being accepted. It becomes a tribal thing. It isn't always something overt where church members are told they can't do this or that, but it's subtle, something implicit. Something expected. Something for which they will be ostracized for if they break some unwritten rule. And every church has unwritten rules and certain expectations--some stated, and many not. Every church has its own culture in that way. Some churches are more open and accepting communities and some are less so.

The point I'm attempting to illustrate is that friendship is complex, made more so by religiosity or social class, race, ethnicity--or any number of other things. But it's especially so in many churches. These rules of conformity can often extend far beyond doctrine or belief, and they can often affect all kinds of external choices such as dress, behavior, interaction with "outsiders," family and community outside of the church.

This brainwashing, if you will, is not always recognizable, at first. I know this because it is how I got drawn into Christian fundamentalism and away from progressive Christianity. It wasn't until I became so unhappy that I realized the real cause of it--Christian fundamentalism and Christian conservatism. I wasn't serving God, doing what Jesus would have me do--I was serving an ideology that was based on things I deplored such as a lack of social justice--just to name one example. I felt forced to vote differently, no longer support LGBTQ friends as much, and no longer actively support the inclusion and rights of the LGBTQ+ community, and a whole host of other strictures that made me totally miserable and feel unworthy for a few years, until the Holy Spirit freed me from all that in the blink of an eye.

I am so blessed to have friends and relationships across many community lines. I always have had people with diverse beliefs in my life, and I am grateful for that. But I see friendships that involve churches becoming less open, less accepting, even more tribal and insular, the more Christian conservatives take over, and this worries me very much because it leads to extreme intolerance and non-acceptance. It limits diversity. It limits what makes each of us unique and who God created each of us to be.

You see this in the Christian right's disdain and hostility toward immigrants, in many instances, outright racist statements, just like we saw this week from Donald Trump and a Louisiana Congressman, and what were seeing from the GOP vice-presidential nominee. It's deplorable, in my view. These statements are hateful. I don't want the GOP to become mainstream America. I want to choose friendships and communities I am a part of based on diversity and a world view, not a tribal view. Not an us versus them view. Not an America first or America only view.

Why? Because I don't believe for a single heartbeat that's God's view or his desire. God is not divisive. He embraces faith, hope and charity, and love. He doesn't embrace hate.

I know, for myself, I need to be careful not to foster actions that limit my understanding of others, global issues, and community inclusion and diversity. I want to support and encourage good, not evil or tribalism. I want to continue to speak out about social justice, income in equality, disability and LGBTQ+ rights, inclusivity. I want to embrace inclusivity and diversity because I believe God is inclusive and embraces diversity. After all, Jesus refers to us as friends.